Category: Let's talk
The original What Would You Do If ... topic has inspired the creation of this one.
I will start out sayng, though I like to consider myself to be rationally objective, I have unbridled bias on this issue.
So: You are a chaperone at an event, one chalk full of teenagers texting, chatting, having a good time, and one comes to you with a serious expression and tone of voice, and needs to talk. No, it's not a missing phone charger this time, and no, someone did not call them a name online:
This teenager wants to tell you they are gay. They want to tell you because they think you're a nice person, and not in their inner circle, and it's easier to do this to a relative stranger. On top of this, you know this teenager lives in a small town, perhaps among religious fundamentalists.
Besides giving them some affirmation of themselves and perhaps some verbal admiration of their courage to speak out, what do you do? What else would you tell them?
I said I am biased: to see my bias, just look up any Department of Homeland Security statistics on terrorist acts committed against gay people.
I realize they prefer the term 'homophobia' and one Lesbian friend of mine thinks we are extremists to call it 'domestic terrorism', but terrorism has a definition:
Violent acts used by one group to suppress the movement, expression and autonomy of another.
Now tell me this so-called phobia is not culminated in terrorist acts?
The real question is, how to get such a young person the kinds of resources they would need: they are, after all, perpetual targets of terrorism, and often end up dead as a result.
Glad they came out: now it's up to us as a society to see that they stay out (of the grave).
I've sort of dealt with this before. I'm sure it was a lot easier since this is Los Angeles and things are certainly more liberal here and there are a lot more resources, but it was anything but easy. Both times the friends were Mexican and came from really strict Catholic upbringings, though the family of one excepted her and remained supportive while the family of the other pretty much cut they're ties with him. In the latter case, I found the most important thing was just to provide support. He and I share a circle of friends that is pretty close despite being on the larger side, and he's told us that the support of that many people really helped him. As for your specific question, I think younger teens might not be aware of how many resources are out there. Even if there isn't much available locally, I'm sure there's plenty available online and through national organizations. After reassuring this teen of my support, I would help him or her get started on finding these resources.
And thanks for starting this board. I hope this one goes better than the first. I'd also like to add that I agree with your labeling it domestic terrorism. "Terrorism" is a word that gets thrown around a lot but people often miss labeling it when it happens right in front of them.
*I'm using one gender to be consistent.*
My first thought would be "okay, that's nice." Basically, "so what? That's cool." But of course, for him, it's a big issue. So I would probably say something like "my parents are gay, and have always been this way. They've been together, in a happy and loving relationship for 24 years, and got married last year. So don't ever let anyone tell you that you're strange, bad, evil, or that you need to be changed. You're beautiful, just the way you are, and someday, someone will come along and make you very happy." But I'm also talking to a teen, and it's not a good thing to encourage sexual activities among teenagers. At the same time, if they do have them, they need to know about protection. In this case, of course, it's not about pregnancy, but about staying free of diseases, and that holds true for everyone. So I would have to mention that, just to be safe. It may not seem like the right time, but if I wait, and he has an encounter, and something bad happens, I would feel responsible.
I'd tell them that they're brave to have come out and I'd thank them for
trusting me enough to come out.
I'd also assure them that "what happens at the party STAYS at the party"
and that I won't be outing them or discussing their confidences to me to
anyone without their prior permission... after all, it's not my business to be
telling tales out of school on a matter that is, quite frankly, none of my
business.
That said, if I felt that the young adult was in some sort of _serious_
trouble, then all bets are off and I would divulge in an honest attempt to
help them out of that trouble... this contingency plan would not be taken
lightly and only in the event of potential serious harm would I feel
compelled to disclose (i. e. bullying/threats to their well being/general anti-
gay behaviours are _serious_... gossip amongst teenagers, not so much
so).
I would also offer them an impartial, non judgmental ear/email address
any time that they need to talk. If they wanted someone to "come with
them" for moral support to a counsellor or similar, I'd be more than happy
to go with them. If they needed someone to unload on over a cup of
coffee or email, I'm your gal.
I know what it's like to be different from one's peers and I know how hard
it can be to be to be a teenager and if I can help make that experience a
little easier, then the shit I went through when I was a teenager won't have
been in vain.
As for their sexual orientation, it doesn't matter to me if they prefer men
or women.. it's their choice. While I like women as platonic friends, I
prefer men as a romantic partner... you don't see people getting bent out
of shape over my choice (mind you, my Mom didn't have many nice things
to say about my first serious boyfriend when I was in my early twenties),
so why should I get all worked up if some of my friends prefer to have
partners of the same sex. If they were to fancy barnyard or wild animals
on the other hand, I'd encourage them to get some psychological help,
because _that_ is a little disturbed.
Anyway, that's what I'd do. People may not agree with me, and so be it...
this is me.
I like all that's been said here.
In particular the last post, a couple really good gems there:
- don't out someone else, let them do the outing of themselves.
In point of fact, I brought this topic up, because many of us, myself included, want to do the right thing in the situation and end up toungue-tied. It's easy to write on boards, but far too often with things, it seems I think of what I ought to have said or done after the fact.
With topics like this, and responses like these, in particular the last post, it gives me hope if I run into that type of situation, I will not be later wishing there was something I had done differently, or in the situation not been at a loss for words about certain things.
It really does help to come out with something personal, to a relative stranger at first, before doing this with the immediate family or close circle. I have heard this often from gay people over the years, and recently had to deal with this myself to a limited extent, in terms of deciding who to tell what RE my atheism. Some of my family are quite zealous and couched in their persuasions.
That being said, I am not trying to claim my situation is anywhere near that of gay people and certainly not that of a teen.
But as Kate said, we can use past experiences to help people in future.
The other side of this, of course, is how would we set up better environments where young people will be comfortable to come out with these types of things. As a teen, I lived silently for a year and a half believing an encounter I had been involved with resulted in AIDS. This was mid to late 1980s, when lots of us ignoramouses still thought you could get it from passionate kissing.
I have always been left to wonder just how many young people hold onto these deep things alone and within themselves, with nobody else knowing. As an adult I have no problem doing that inside myself. But I think it's ravaging and wrong for teenagers to hold onto things in silence like this.
I don't know what the answer is, but have been glad to see the responses thus far on here, and hope to see, and learn from, more of these.
It's also possible those who look like they tell all, are holding onto something. I have seen some of these also. This is difficult for us as a society to manage, I think.
I must agree. Westcoastcdngrl, you brought up some excellent points and I think you would have handled the situation beautifully. These are just the kinds of things that need to be said.
LeoGuardian, I can't relate to telling friends things first. Whenever I have a really serious problem, I go to Mom, as I know she'll listen and offer good advice. Now, Lee is included, but that's because I consider him my brother. As for holding truly upsetting things inside, I don't think that's healthy for anyone of any age. It only leads to problems.
Some good ideas.
Me, I'm not a preacher nor a judgmental person.
My reaction would be Yes, cool. I'm glad you know where you stand, or have decided.
If they continued, I'd ask them what role would they like from me, or what type of support they require, and leave them to ask.
At that point I could provide them with some unjudgmental support.
I'm surprised no one has mentioned this, but I'd remind the person that we've all been teenagers, and that we also all have struggles in life, to one degree or another.
I'd tell them that it's okay to struggle with things, but that they don't have to feel like they're alone.
I'd also give them resources I knew about, along with help in whatever ways they asked of me, or accepted from me.
lastly, I'd do my best to ensure that they feel a sense of control in the situation, to the extent that's possible, making sure they knew I'd be whatever/wherever they need or want me to be, for them.
Wow, what a great topic, thanks Leo. You never know what you are going to run into on the boards.
The first thing I would do is try to find out what their primary concern was. If it is simply fear of being ridiculed, put down, something like that, I would assure them that they always had a trusting nonjudgmental friend in me. If it was something more serious, like bullying, we would deal with that first.
I would suggest that they discuss this with my daughter. She is closer to their own age (she's thirty) and probably more accepting than I am. Though I try. My daughter considers me a throw back to the stone age, and she has several friends who are gay. So I would try to bring about a friendship between the two.
I would also contact local community resources for assistance, including gay bars and gay bartenders I know.
Not much, I know, but it might help.
Bob
Actually, that sounds like a lot, and in a very good way. I'm also 30, and don't see that as the attitude of a throw-back at all! It's very thoughtful and considerate. *smile*
This is a very good topic and I'm afraid that surprisingly enough, I don't have much to add to what's been said already. Definitely let them know that I've been in their shoes and maybe, if they wanted, to tell them of my experiences growing up. Put them in touch with local resources, if any, but definitely encourage them to use the internet to find outreach programs for gay youth in and around the area. I'd also give them the number to a gay hotline I got from someone located in San Francisco. They were wonderful when it came to just talking, which I needed at the time, as I was trying to figure out a way to effectuate my divorce without hurting the person I still cared for. That wasn't possible in the long run, but just knowing there were other people like me that were dealing with the same things was enough of a boost at the time to put me on a more even keel. I know that when I was growing up in the late 70s and early 80s, I just bottled it up inside, lived in my head a lot and figured that things would fall into place when I was older. They did for a while, then didn't, and now they have again. Does it get better? Maybe that term is a bit of a cliche, but it's also true, especially these days.